asshole neighbors

downstairs neighbors suck ass. I had a neighbor that would play his
music so loud the couch would bounce up and down, and when I went down
there and banged on the door, he opened the door holding a newborn baby
and was like, "What the fuck's your problem?"

and, look, if you live above someone,
please don't stomp around like you're
Andre the Giant. Lift your damn feet and place them one in front of the other. For God's sake, take your damn Doc Martins off, too.

i respect you, you respect me.

Tell me about it. Though our downstaris neighbors have stopped playing their music after 10pm (knocking on wood here)... we still spend every night cringing and hoping that they don't start! I feel like one of Pavlov's Dogs!

Here s one.............
I move to quiet residential neighborhood in an upscale town next to the capital of the fine state of connecticut.

Bought the house, settled in, been here three years now. Soooooooooo what
is the gripe you might ask. The house next door to mine is a duplex and one side , the one right next to mine about twelve feet away, was rented out recently to a young mother with two children AND hordes of relatives, some of whom seem to be living with her on a
daily basis, Last night carribean music played as loud as the speakers culd stand...at least twelve children under the age of seven hooting and hollering as well as the liquored up adults and all this til one fifteen this morning. Now i ask you.. where are their manners. Calling the police, not an option, after all who knows what retibution there might be!!!!!!

Well, the ever-so-lovely guys in the apartment next door to me decided to have an alcohol-induced Garth Brooks sing-a-long the other night. At 3:00am. The highlight of the evening was when one liquored up troubador howled a stomach, er...i mean heart-wrenching rendition of "Shameless" in the bathroom (happily located right next to my bedroom) while emptying his stomach into the toilet between verses. it was really nice.

And how's this for a coincidence? I was listening to Barenaked Ladies when i stumbled across your page - and i'm very jealous that you got to see them and i didn't! great page!

A great site? Awww, you're making us blush. The Barenaked Ladies concert was great... we'll be writing about it in the smirks section this afternoon!

In more related news, last Wednesday, at about 9pm, our downstairs neighbors decided to crank up their techno-crap music so loud that our asses were vibrating. However, for the first time in two years, when I went down to complain, they actually opened the door, apologised for having the bass up too loud, and immediately turned it down.

I guess complaining to the landlord finally paid off!

-- Avery

Ah, my upstairs neighbors are having a baby in 6 weeks and the walls are paper thin. I'm anticipating the crying fits already. I'm happy for the addition to their family, I'm just not thrilled at being kept awake at 3:00 a.m.

To top if off, they start bitching about me smoking my cigar in the backyard. I'm outside for crying out loud. They don't have a problem with the car exhaust from the street, but my cigar smoke somehow finds its way into their apartment, two stories above.

Do they still put people in jail for murder?

shawn - only if they catch you.

i've got one. my one neighbor is on some kind of mood altering drug that makes her calm. every once in a rare, rare while, she forgets to take it and as a result breaks into loud screaming fits at her husband. inevitably, these fits occur around 4:00am and the police need to be called to get her to calm down. her husband, in the interim between the time half the building wakes up and somebody actually gets motivated to get out of bed and call the police, just yells and screams right back at her. sometimes we hear things get thrown.

my apartment is directly adjacent to theirs, and our living room windows are about a foot away from each other.

last summer, when my younger brother, our close friend james and myself tired of having to call the police (she'd been in a bad habit of forgetting to take the medication for about three weeks), we decided to make a game of it. we found out the names of the unstable woman and her husband. when we were awoken at 4:00am to their fighting, we would simply go stand by the window, pick sides and cheer them on.

"go judy, go. tell that pimp what you
think."

"come 'on bob. give it to her! don't let her do you like that!"

. . .and on and on. some would say it was cruel of us to derive this kind of entertainment from the obviously painful existance of two searching, unstable souls dependant on medication to function on a daily basis, but those people probably haven't been awoken at 4:00am for two consecutive weeks.

I thought maybe I'd share an experience
where I was an asshole neighbor due to
my having an asshole roommate (another
topic entirely...)

She locked me out of my own apartment. She was in the apartment. She dead-bolted the door, hit the heat up to 95 degrees and passed out in her drugged up way. I knocked and knocked on the door. It was two in the morning and it was freezing outside. I didn't have a coat, I had just come from a friend's house, and I was pissed off.

I continued to bang, kick, and slam on the door. At one sad little moment, I politely used the door knocker, thinking that she may think it was a drug connection and come running. I went to a gas station on the corner and called a friend and asked him to phone my roommate to try and wake her up. Phone is ringing and ringing and ringing. Then my friend is screaming over the speakerphone (I can hear this outside) and I start screaming.

Now it's 2:30 and I'm livid. I go to the bottom of her two story window and start throwing stones at the glass. Then rocks. Then bricks (which don't go as high as you'd like them). And then I did the worst thing. I felt bad for my entire apartment community and I know I was just an asshole neighbor.

I got in the car, and I started hitting the horn. That didn't work, so I just rested on the horn in thirty second blasts.

You know what? No one came out. Not a person. If I was being attacked, nothing would have been done to stop it.
There's asshole neighbors for you, they don't even look to see if you're okay.

Anyway, at about three-fifteen in the morning, one of the phone calls woke her up, she opened the door and in her bed-head, pot-fumed voice said, "Oh, did I lock you out?" And then she went back to bed.

I think that you do still get in trouble for murder, Shawn, and that's why Jennifer lives today.

I wish I had asshole neighbours! Dammit, I still live at home! Rawrrr!!!!!

The ONLY good thing about my building is teh fact that its pre-WWII and built like a bomb shelter, so noise isn't a problem.

HOWEVER

We had these people who's bathroom mirrored ours and when I'd her up to bruth the ol' toofs im the morning, there would be these little dried green things in the sink, and the sink was constantly backed up.

We'd get it snaked, it would back up in another day, we spent a shitload of money on draino - no help.

Then about a week or so later, we come home from a friends place at like 11 and se see an incredibly pissed off Maintenance guy letting himself into out place.

So, we ask "Uh, what the hell are you doing?" (he was fighting with the lock, because those are about as shitty as the plumbing)

To which he curtly replies, "Why is water seeping through your floor?" Yeah, like we fucking know.

We go in while explaining we haven't been home in 12 hours and theres WATER POURING UP & OUT OF OUR SINK FROM THE GODDAMN DRAIN. Kinda like them little fountains...

Turns out our neighbors were doing COOKING in their bathroom sink and were shoving food down there.

Luckily the problem went away quickly, because they were evicted, but I was out one 8-pak of totally new toilet paper( and it was that really soft and absorbent kind), not to mention the rest of the stuff under the sink that got totally fucked up...

and I wont even go into the assholes that dont know how to park on the street.....

I have a dog. He's a good dog, and I am a good dog owner. I am well aware that I am lucky to be allowed a large dog in an apartment.

My downstairs neighbor also has a dog. She has a boyfriend. He has a dog too. She doesn't pick up her dog's crap. He doesn't pick up his dog's crap. (I do pick up my dog's crap, but not their dogs'.)

Their bad poop-habits are giving me a bad rep in the neighborhood.

Speaking of bad reps... they decided that a good way to train his dog to stay alone all day (he's a 5 month old puppy) was to tie it out in out building's back yard AND THEN FUCKING GO AWAY FOR SIX HOURS. Strangers were appearing in our backyard to talk to the animal, who was freaking out.

So, the next day, all of my nice neighbors asked me why I left Howard out.

Sheesh.

Shitty people (um, pun intended?) ruin pet ownership for other people.

On the oh yeah front. Boyfriend has starting playing loud music with lots of bass. And it's crappy power ballad shit too.

Heres the latest bad neighbor news:

We made teh move out of the old shithole I was bitching about earlier into a newer nicer building with neighbors that were seemingly ok.

There was a party on the floor above us, dumbasses were playing this huge bongo set at 1 in the morning and keeping us up. Did I call the cops? No.

I just went upstairs and explained that yes, I would love to come in for a beer or six, but I had school i roughly 7 hours and needed to sleep.

Noise stopped.

But the THING I'm here to bitch about:
Shopping carts.

There are a few grocery stores in the neighborhood that dont care if you walk home with your cart and take your stuff home. There are guys that'll pick them up from you.

Our biulding has a few of these said carts that are permanent residents so we can move stuff in them. Good idea.

HOWEVER - The lazy pukes in our building will get a cart, load it up with the shit from their car, bring it upstairs, and then be too goddamn busy to put the freakin thing back! Now, I could see if they were expected to haul the thing down 11 flights of stairs, or the occational person has to leave it in the hall because nature suddenly called and was not going to be ignored, but for GODS SAKE PEOPLE, take the goddamn cart back where you got it!

The other day there were TWO of the flippin things in pur hallway, like we were living in a stacked trailer park or something!

Dumb dumb dumb.

Note about the carts:
I posted a mostly unintelligable but generaly nasty note by the elevator about the cart problem. I think it was the same night Slappy posted the above message.

We've had no shopping carts in the hall since. Anyone want to join the pool on how long it will take before another one appears? I'm guessing a month, giving our neighbors the benefit of the doubt.

However, in other stupid neighbor news, about a week ago, the electricity went out. It was out in a 10 block radius, so a transformer must have been out or something. Needless to say, the elevators weren't working. So I trudged up the 11 flights of stairs. Not so bad, I need to do it more often actually. Anyway, about three hours later, I trudged back down the stairs to pick Slap up from work, and in the lobby were a gaggle of people who lived in the building. There were probably 15 of them, all told. All whining about how long the electricity had been out, and they weren't able to get to their apartments. Why? No ELEVATORS! For chrisake. They'd waited three hours, and had about two more to wait before the electricty would come back on. What's wrong with people?

Oh, and even though it's not asshole neighbor related, on the way to pick up Slap, all the street lights were out, too. You wouldn't believe (or maybe you would) how mindless everyone becomes on the road when there are no stoplights for block after block. Even with cops directing traffic at nearly every light. Frightening. I'm really suprised that riots didn't break out. Wasn't there some sci-fi book about a planet with three suns, and once every thousand years or so, the suns would line up in such a way that they'd all set at once? And the people of the planet would panic and set everything on fire? Well, it was getting close to that, except IT WAS STILL DAYLIGHT. Lord. O.K, I love technology and all, but why aren't people able to function without it for short periods of time? Even Slap made it through a few days without a computer when we took our train trip this summer. If he can do it, anyone can.

The carts are back. Goddamnitall. Two, since I posted here last time. And it seems everyone but Slap and I have the ability to ignore them indeffinately. I wonder if you could even make your way through our hall if we didn't bring them back down. I just can't wait to catch someone in the act of bringing one up and leaving it here.

Oh, and despite the fact that we have a freakin' garbage shoot in our building, people pile their boxes and crap in the stairwell, right by the garbage shoot. Granted, you're not supposed to throw boxes and strange shaped objects down the shoot, but what, people never leave the building??? Why can't they just take the stuff out with them when they leave? Is that SOOOOO hard?

Kimmee,

I can tell you kick ass, but the question is: do you take names as well?

Our most recent apartment neighbors were of the upstairs variety. He went well over 300 lbs, had greasy jet-black hair, a scraggly goatee, and a huge black-green swastika tattooed on his Buddah belly. Physically incapable of walking, eating or sleeping quietly.

She was rail-thin, had matching hair with an added spike and a touch of puce, and scratched her arms way too often. She also had, in the heat of sex, the closest approximation to a Chihuahua bark I've ever hear in a human.

For the first six months after they moved in above us, it was chaos. I mean, I'm glad they found each other, and all. But, Christ! They were the most voracious neighbors I've ever had. 4:30 am (bark, bark, bark). 6:15 am (bark, bark, bark). 9:07 am (bark, bark, bark). 9:30 am (snore, grrumph, creak, snore). 2:00 pm (General Hospital theme, bark, bark, bark)...

I wanted to tell them, to knock on their door one night and ask if they had some special deal with an oyster company. But what do you say?

It all came to a head (so to speak) when, on a Thursday morning, at 2:15, we'd survived at least three apartment-rattling orgasms. My daughter woke up, my wife rolled over and glared at me, and I lost control. I stood on the bed and, pounding on the ceiling, screamed, "We can hear you down here, and we don't fucking want to!" It hushed upstairs. He laughed, she shushed him, and the creaking got quieter.

She never could look us in the eye again when we met in the parking lot. Him? He'd just smile and grunt and run his hand over his greasy goatee.

When they split up a couple of months later, I was thrilled to see her loading her stuff into a dented and rusty pickup. It was quiet for a few days ... then the daily grunting started.

Being a homeowner has some perks you'd seldom think of.

Back when Janet and I were living in West Virginia, we spent 6 months living in a large 2 bedroom apartment with a room mate named Heather.

Heather, well... she was a bit strange. She never would clean, she never took out the garbage, and she was extremely succeptable to suggestion.

Heather was also a slut.

One day, we were in our room with the door shut and we were watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. It was a great episode, but it had some really weird sound effects. Then it went to the advertisement. The sound effects were still going.

It sounded like something was squeaking and moaning. I opened the door and started walking around the apartment to see where the noise was coming from. It was coming from Heather's room.

Heather and her boyfriend were rutting like rabbits in her room... and she was being quite vocal. She was practically screaming... HARDER, FASTER, HARDER, FASTER, OGODOGODOGODOGOD. The boyfirend simply responded with "Grunt." this went on for maybe 5 minutes, at which time she started with the at-the-top-of-my-lungs OH GOD OH GOD... followed by the boyfriend's final, penultimate grunt.

Five seconds later, she was in the bathroom and he was dressing. He meekly waved as he walked by our door to get to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he said his goodbye and left.

For the next few months, this boyfriend would come over and they would talk for ten minutes, screw for five and then he would leave.

During her mating season, I would casually mention things like "Geez, I hope we weren't too loud last night" or "Don't you hate it when you can hear the downstairs neighbors?"... trying to let her know that we could hear her. But she just obliviously stared into space, giggled and then walked away. I was one step away from bursting into her room while she was rehearsing her sexual monologue and informing her to decrease the volume... but then they broke up.

Now folks, _that's_ annoying.

I am a homeowner, so if anyone thinks serious woes are only devoted to the renters, read on. A girl bought the house next to ours and shattered our peaceful suburbian existence. She married a guy with the biggest breed dog known to man. This thing poops mountains. Summer comes and goes and they are neglecting to clean up after their dog. We about puke every time we go to BBQ in the yard (oh 4 or 5 times a week). You're thinking that's the worst you can come up with? Nope, we find out she's crackers. Without benefit of medication, she imagines that we are spying on her (all the time she is watching us through our windows) she thinks anytime we get near her property, we are violating that ever-important perimeter into her weed-choked lawn. She either opens her window and starts screaming or comes outside directly. Her husband just lets her go on and on ranting at us. And of all the brilliant ideas is for her to have a baby. No meds are allowed since it may harm baby right. All last summer, she imagined we were on her property. It was a daily screamfest. I'd finally had it when she flipped off my eight-year-old son. Time for a party. We invited about a jillion people to our white trash fest - come dressed in your worst white trash outfit. Great fun and and I think at least half of them paraded over her lawn to get in our yard. Seems she was slightly intimidated by the number of people and couldn't do too much. Spring's coming and it's time to get creative. Post all your ideas here.

I am also a homeowner. I keep my house, yard and vehicles in as good a shape as possibe. I have been blessed with the poster people of white trash 2 doors down. They don't know the word dicipline, nor the word birth control and as I'm sure you can guess...it's out of hand. Recently the kids have decided to de-stem 7 blooming flowers at the end of my driveway as they walk to the school bus. The wife and I work for a living so we are not there to catch them. The kids are a whole nother issue. The problem I have is their property...which they were able to purchase with a 35% down payment (bad credit) generated by the windfall from a lawsuit in New York prior to moving here. Our homes are 5 years old, but if any of you have bought a new home, the builders use the cheapest materials...paint...doors..etc... Well..the front door WAS stained (dark) but today appears like it's beige, from the weather beating on it. The house needs painting, they have a piece of crap car with a smashed windshield, paint splotches etc sitting in the same spot for over a year, the portable basketball goal hangs into the street in it's collapsed position, they thing in front of the garage door is a storage area for metal chairs boxes, bikes, etc, you can't tell where the flower beds end and the grass starts...well..I think you get the point...my question is....WHAT THE HELL DO I DO THAT IS LEGAL? I've envision spray painting the garage door with WHITE TRASH LIVE HERE...or taking a hedge cutter to their "flower bed"...which resembles the brush you'd see on the edge of a rain forest. I'm fixin to go nuts. The actions I've decided to take for the time is complaining to the homeowners association...who has told me there close to legal action against these people....and I'll just keep hounding them. The day my wife and I see the for sale sign or the moving truck, we've both agreed we'll fill up an ice chest with beer...crank up the music and sit at the end of the driveway facing their house and yelling out encouragement and good luck on their new endeavers...
Any advice that won't get me thrown in jail would be appreciated....any illegal advice will be appreciated mentally....thanks for letting me bitch.

Me and my wife recently moved in to a house which we now rent. We've had 'ok' neighbors on each side of us who mind their own business and pretty much keep to themselves. The neighborhood, I believe,is pretty decent in terms of livability. However, the fuckface who lives directly across from us is a totally different story. He owns 6 piece of shit cars with his buttmunch buddy, none of which were built post 1972. His house seems like it hadn't been painted since the 1940's. The front lawn incessantly begs for water and the roof shingles look as if they've survived a season of hurricanes and tornadoes. We live in California. With that said, he feels he can park his piece of crap cars in front of our house whenever he deems appropriate. General description of this fuckhead: Mid to late forties, 300lbs., beerbelly hanging out of his small-medium sized shirt, wears flipflops with shorts. He as much has parked his car to where he backs it up and hits my car. He leaves it parked that way. In my book, that portrays a lack of respect for another person's property. No physical damage has been done yet, only to my ego. I am a person who is considered to have a high tolerance level. That level is almost at its high and I'm afraid that I must be vindicated. People who don't give as much as a rat's ass about someones property or right to park their own cars in front of their own house must be dealt with accordingly. "Revenge is best served on a cold plate" or something to that effect. I need ideas!
Any suggestions?