Dear Alla,
I've sure weaved a tangled web for myself and could use an outside opinion. Four and half years ago, right before I got married. I hooked up with (read, oh my God the sex is incredible.) my husband's older brother. I'd always been attracted to him and I guess it was a 'now or never' thing in my mind, though I don't remember thinking too much about it. On his part, I know he was attracted to me, and coming off a really bad divorce.
Anyway, we've still got a 'thing'. My husband has been suspicious on and off for years, but we've been very cautious and never gotten caught. It's been serious too, we're so much a part of each other's life ' officially and 'unofficially'. My husband and I are more like good partners who barely go beyond a friendly nod. I shouldn't have married him, even though he's a great guy (if a little distant and preoccupied with work). But I've got 2 kids now (no I'm not sure which guy was at the conception, though I'd put money on the wrong one), so divorce is not an easy option.
The problem is this 'unofficial' life. We know it can't keep going on but we can't seem to end it. He wants to keep the friends part of it. We do everything together from Xmas shopping to planning his kids' graduation parties, his friends (who we know won't cross paths with my husband, just think I'm his girlfriend). My older kid (not quite 3) often calls him Daddy by mistake. My husband accepts that we're great friends and it would look weird if it just stopped after all this time. But I love him and can't just stop. Not to mention, we can't keep our hands off each other and don't want to! How can we go through all the heartache of breaking up without slipping up and getting caught? I really want to straighten out my life, it's nearly impossible to not resent my husband for 'being in the way' and not resent my lover for being too concerned with his family's feelings to just make a stand and be with me 'officially'. I'm turning into a real bitch who's always mad at one of them.
I just want to say I'm not some Jerry Springer candidate. I'm a professional (computer industry), well respected at work, a typical suburbanite, house, kids, no minivan (thank god). I guess I'm trying to say, I'm not a loser or lunatic, I've just let my personal life get way off the beaten path and I can't seem to get back on track.
-- Brother-in-Law Lover
Well, had you gotten Alla for this advice column, there is a chance (no matter how slim it may be) that you might have received some sympathy.
Unfortunately for you, Avery's fielding this one.
First off, let me get this off of my chest. You're a wretched person. You're a miserable piece of garbage. You're going to ruin your husband's life when he finds out you're having an affair that started before you got married. You're going to destroy his brother's life because once it gets out that you're cheating on your husband with his brother, as the whole family will ostracize him. You're going to destroy the lives of your children, because once the relatives find out, there is no chance of them ever having a normal family life ever again.
What is is with people like you? It's bad enough for someone to have a one-time affair, but to continue a full blown relationship with someone? I'm sorry, but once you voluntarily put that ring on your finger, the only man that should have been in your bed should have been your husband - unless you have a relationship where both members approve of the sort of behavior you described above.
I don't give a fuck if it was good sex. I have no sympathy for you. If the relationship was going sour, then before you became a two-timing whore, you should have told your husband that it was over, taken off the wedding ring and gotten a divorce. Until then, you should have kept your goddamned legs crossed.
Oh, and let's talk about the brother here. What sort of a man would have an affair with his sister-in-law? If he was a decent man, he would have broken it off with you as soon as you slipped that aforementioned ring on your finger. If he has the capacity for decency and love, he would have insisted that as long as you were married, all you would be is friends.
You say you're not a loser? What else do you call someone who casually ruins the life of her husband, her in-laws and her children in one fell swoop?
I would provide you with some advice, except for the fact that nowhere in this Penthouse Forumesque letter does it look like you are actually looking for help. You've created a repulsive situation and you don't seem interested in working your way out of it. Why? Because any way it pans out, you're the bitch. You're going to keep on doing what you're doing until someone slips and the shit hits the fan. Then you'll take your emotionally scarred children and find some other poor sap to glom onto to feed your obviously overinflated ego.
Good luck.
-- Avery