Warning: Topics discussed in this column are (most likely) chock full of sex, lust and all of that other good stuff that makes life somewhat interesting. I mean, this is a sex advice column, isn't it? If you are easily offended or under 18, please click that little back arrow on your browser's toolbar, go back to the table of contents and pick another section (which will probably offend you anyway).

Dear Giver of Great Advice,

Why can't I make my girlfriend come? I've tried everything.

-- Flustered

Dear Flustered:

First off let me congratulate you for actually giving a damn as to whether or not your girlfriend has a blast in the sack. Far too many men labor under the illusion that their penis is some sort of magic wand which can send any woman into orgasmic ecstasy with its mere presence. This, friends and strangers, is a lie. I am not going to disregard the enormous potential inherent in "man's best friend" but, sad to say, with some women it takes more than the almighty shaft to get them going. Perhaps your girlfriend needs to become more in touch with what turns her on. This could include mutual masturbation, watching adult movies or perhaps some role playing. Who knows, your little woman could be harboring a deep and burning desire to handcuff you to the bed and spank you like the bad, bad boy you are!

The most important thing is that neither of you should feel guilty or bad about your sexual short cummings. It doesn't mean that either of you is a bad lover. Human bodies are vast, mysterious landscapes and each one comes with it's own unique set of instructions. What makes one woman scream your name so loud that she wakes the neighbors might not float the boat for your next lady friend. So, experiment. You might want to try getting a dildo. This way the two of you can experiment with what speed, pressure, rhythm, etc. it takes to get her off. If dildos aren't your thing there are a multitude of vibrating, stimulating sex toys on the market that can help your woman learn more about her body. These little trinkets can be expensive, however, so I suggest shopping around before settling on your own "pleasure vibe 2000."

The key word here is persistence. If something isn't working, don't worry about it! I guarantee you that there is something out there that will make your girlfriend's motor run so hot that she'll be weak at the knees. Role playing can be a great way to relieve stress during sex. If you are both playing "characters" then you can be as raunchy, slutty, or kinky as you like without having to worry what the other person will think of you. Every once in awhile I like to have my boyfriend "arrest" me and believe me, I will do ANYTHING to get out of a traffic ticket. Dirty talk is another great hormone booster. In the heat of passion I have said words that would never, EVER pass my from my lips to my boyfriend's ears in normal day to day activity but when we're doing the nasty sometimes it just seems appropriate. Just make sure you run it by your girlfriend first since not every woman longs for the day when her man will turn to her and with love in his eyes passionately declare that he wants to fuck her brains out.

I also must stress the fact that shoving your love-shaft into her welcoming woman-hood is not the only proper way to make a woman have an orgasm. It takes just as much talent to rock your woman's world with your tongue or fingers as it does to slip her the salami. It doesn't make you any less of a man and any woman who says otherwise has serious issues. So if your penis isn't doing the trick think about going down south on her or if your not up to kissing her lower lips consider giving her the finger fuck of her life. I do, however, suggest you switch to the other hand if carpal tunnel syndrome kicks in. On a final note keep in mind at all times that sex is meant to be fun. Don't go for a role in the hay obsessed with the thought of giving each other an orgasm. Just do the best you possibly can. Remember, good lovers are not born. They are the products of practice and dedication to the great cause of gettin' it on!

-- Ash

Got a question? Good! Write it up and send it to Not every letter will be published and only published questions will be answered.