Advice

Warning: Topics discussed in this column are (most likely) chock full of sex, lust and all of that other good stuff that makes life somewhat interesting. I mean, this is a sex advice column, isn't it? If you are easily offended or under 18, please click that little back arrow on your browser's toolbar, go back to the table of contents and pick another section (which will probably offend you anyway).

Dear ScowlZine Readers:

Well friends and strangers, we have a problem. It seems that not one of you has written in for advice which leaves me in a rather awkward position. I must somehow educate and titillate you without the benefit or inspiration of your letters. Of course, it is unthinkable that everyone's sex life is so perfect that there is nothing in the entire world that they can think of to ask me. Let's face it, we ALL have questions about sex and relationships no matter how old we are or how long we're been in the game so to speak. I know this because ever since I went to college people have treated me like some great wealth of sexual information. Now, while this may be true, I have no idea why so many of my peers saw fit to choose me as their sexual messiah. Maybe I just give off a kinky aura or perhaps it's my fascination with porn. Or maybe its just that I think of sex every five seconds or so and talk about it way too much. How much is too much you ask? I'm not sure what the mathematics are, but apparently there have been times when I've made Howard Stern look like a friggin' Puritan. Frightening, eh?

I think the real reason I am so obsessed with sex is that almost everyone else is so fucking uptight about it! They all act like its this big dirty secret that must never see the light of day. Granted, there are people out there who have a healthy respect for wanton acts or carnality but for the most part we are a society of hypocrites. On one hand we put sexuality in every possible TV show, song, commercial and movie humanly possible; We get people horny as hell but we don't offer them a shred of useful information! It's all well and good to want sex but we have been led to believe that all it takes to have mind blowing sex it to shove one's wang into the appropriate orifice. How magical. We then convince women that anything other than the missionary position is harmful and degrading thereby causing them to feel embarrassed and dirty if they secretly yearn to do something even remotely unconventional in the sack. Then we tell men that any woman who does want to get creative in bed is either a nympho, a whore, or both. Let's review. We are all conditioned by both media and genetics to want sex. However, if men want kinky sex they have to go to a hooker because nice girls only do it flat on their backs and every woman no matter what can have a wonderful orgasm that way every time. Oh, and if you don't give your lady friend an orgasm every time you are a rotten lover. What a steaming load of crap.

If two people are of age and mentally sound they should be allowed to do have sex any way they damn well please so long as it is consensual and doesn't hurt anyone outside of the relationship. I say outside of the relationship because some people like a little pain during sex which I have no problem with. In fact I can relate to them very, VERY well (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). If you want to get spanked, have your nipples put in clamps or our hot wax over your lovers body go right ahead. It's not my place or anyone else's to tell you your wrong. Maybe your a guy who likes to wear women's panties during sex or a woman who likes a little back door action. The point is that sex can be a wonderfully exciting experience is you let it. Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do with your significant other. Dress it leather, put on a nurse's outfit or have sex in your kinds inflatable pool, it's all good! And don't be afraid to ask questions. Use the Internet, go to a book store, or better yet, ask me! There's nothing I love more than helping my fellow human beings down the path to sexual discovery. I want to hear from you people so get off your rears and get to typing! It doesn't matter how "weird or silly you think your question is. I'm not going to judge you and even if I was it's not as if myself or anyone else is going to know it,s you. So take a deep breath, go to your computer and reach out to me with your most personal questions. 'Till then I wish you all luck with the all matters of the flesh.

Shag on brothers and sisters, shag on!

-- Ash