Sex on Campus with Ash

When I was assigned the topic of sex on campus I thought that it would be fun and exciting. However, after a couple weeks back at college I have come to two conclusions: the first is that my friends are not getting laid nearly enough, and the second is that television and Hollywood have lied to us. Not just a little fib either; when it comes to sex among the youth of today, the media has looked us straight in the eye and lied through it's teeth. There is no way that college students could be getting that much sex. When would they have time for classes? Take Mtv's Undressed for example. Everyone gets laid, even the nerds and social rejects! Here in the real world some of us have to work our asses off to get a little action, but on television all a guy or gal has to do is walk into the room and it's booty time! It's not just television either, movies have been especially evil to us. More and more of them are throwing away the tedium of plots and character development in favor of raw naked screwing, especially among people my age. It paints a beautiful picture.

So you can imagine my outrage when, upon conversing with my peers, I learned that college isn't one big orgy. (Gee, and all this time I thought that my invitation just kept getting lost in the mail). In fact, I was amazed by how little sex people were actually getting when compared to the all out flesh-fest on TV and in motion pictures. On the plus side blow jobs are on the rise. (No pun intended). On television you hear all about who fucked who, on campus you hear about who gave head to who. Perhaps in this age of STDs people feel that tongue-bathing the Willy Wonka is the safe way to go. Either that or men are desperate to stem the tide of endless coed chatter. Then again maybe they were just too damn cheap to buy a condom. Whatever the reason, I was disappointed. Everyone talked about sex, but not nearly enough of them were actually doing it. So here it is, the truth about sex on campus.

It seems like the people actually having the most sex were the ones in a serious relationship. Couples are out there screwing like rabbits! I suppose this makes sense. This is a person you know and trust, someone you love or at least like a whole lot. What could be more natural than wanting to share naked time with them as often as possible? And yet monogamy still lacks the unparalleled glamour of casual sex. Who wouldn't want to wake up groggy and disoriented next to some person whose name they couldn't remember? It's the college way! Unfortunately girls have gotten wise to the fickle nature of man. Telling some chick you've just met that you love her or that she's special just doesn't work as often as it used to. The guys are still playing the game as hard as ever, it's just gotten trickier to win. Some guys have even stopped trying. One night I watched as a drunk girl ambled into one of my guy friend's bedroom. (Actually all my friends are guys, so in the future when I say friend just assume that this person has a penis). She was thin, attractive, and definitely well on her way to being trashed. Did my friend come on to her? No. Hell, he left the room to go talk with his friends about video games!! Had this been a movie he would have gotten me out of the room and proceeded to make loud, sweaty monkey-love to her. If he didn't, he would have been the token gay character.

The truth is that people aren't hooking up with strangers as much as they used to. But I can deal with that, it is healthier after all. What I was surprised by was the lack of imagination on college campuses. You would think that in this day and age people would be up for trying anything and everything; after all, college is THE time to experiment, right? I wish. Do you know how many girls here go bright red at the mere mention of the words, "anal sex"? It's like asking them if they've ever gone to church wearing nothing but a pair of nipple tassels. Vibrators are becoming more and more popular, but try getting anyone to admit that they own one. Mention that your boyfriend owns a pair of handcuffs and both genders look confused, then oddly frightened. And if you ever want to bring a group conversation to a screeching halt, casually mention that you've been looking to buy a nice leather paddle and cat o' nine tails. This is absurd. Sex is supposed to be fun, people! Don't wait until you're middle-aged and sexually frustrated before hauling out the latex boots and bondage gear!

So that's it. As far as I can tell this campus is in serious need of a sexual awakening. We have everyone from the dorm advisors to the health center throwing Trojans at us and for what? It's time that college students stop using those free condoms for water balloons and start using them for what they were made for! Oily, messy, bed-spring-breaking, animalistic sex! You're in college, people, act like it! It's time to live up to the glorious model set out for us by movies and television.

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