CubanoCrust

 

Bruce heads to the forbidden land of Cuba, waxes philosophic regarding Elian Gonzales and snags a slice...

The little Cuban boy is stuck in Pizza Nowhere ville -Miami- that vicious city entirely devoid of great pizza (or any real reason for existence 'cept as a conduit for some fine dance moves.)

Question: has our six-year old hero been spirited away from a place of inferior pizza to an even more hideous pizza market in southern Florida? Or, can his Cuban home provide him with superior pizza to the junk in Florida? This is the Question after all.

There is but one way to know. Check out the Cuban pie situation personally. We already know that Miami pizza -like the junk in Las Vegas- doesn't cut it.

Pizza (not politics) will determine if the kid stays or returns. We are going to do three Cuban pizzas during a period of the Elian Gonzales crisis. If the pie measures up, the kid goes back to the land of El Jefe--Fidel Castro--and his brother Raul, currently in line to succeed the Bearded One.

Pizza in Cuba
Trinidad de Cuba is a west-coast town and the home of an abundant waitress. After a busload of Argentine and German tourists depart the Restaurant Via Reale right off the central square, we call for two pies. One, the Pizza de Chef (a ten incher with pepperoni for $3.25) and two, the 10 inch Napolitana (which appears identical to the de Chef but packs no pepperoni for $3.00).

Remember, while the Cuban peso is still in circulation here, the American dollar -or duke as we call em when abroad- rules in the land of the Castro Bros.

Both pies are thick crusted, hefty affairs, covered with queso (cheese) with a few onions mixed in. A bit of sauce is under the cheese. For three bucks these are a steal, but hardly anything to write home -or to the American State Department (or to ScowlZine readers)- about. The pepperoni consists of three pads of semi-pepperoni like stuff. This sure feels Third World, amigos.

But adequate for the minimum one-a-week-pie-fix a body requires.

Pie Two
Onto Pizza Numero Dos: set back from the ocean in the Vedado section of Havana, the Capri Hotel's rooftop Restaurante La Florentina has tons going for it: great views of the city and beautiful Havana Bay devoid of any boats at all below. This is a swanky spot redolent of the Gangster Era under Senor Batista.

The walls show black and white photos of the old Mafioso patrones: plus celebs like Frank Sinatra, George Raft, Nat King Cole and many local vocalists. Skippy's is the lounge on the main floor below - you know, like Dean Martin would call you: hey Skippy, bring me another bone dry one. The hotel was built in 1957--just before Commandante Castro took command.

So, we order up a couple of Margherita pies. After some delicious light and warm rolls and a side salad of extremely fresh and just-ripe tomatoes, it arrives - ten inches covered with Romano cheese, oregano and tomato sauce on a thin semi crisp crust.

So good it gets a rating: 16 (of 20) on the Visual Scale.

First bite: quite acceptable, given the distance here back to the Pizza Belt. Second bite, the flavor of the sauce now is apparent, tangy, and the crust crunches at each bite. Remarkable!

Flavor scale: 15 of 20, very acceptable indeed. This is a fine experience, what with the fresh succulent tomatoes the Cubans harvest like mad and then put atop their pies.

An aside: in a country struggling to eke out its next meal, there is something very disturbing in bearing witness to one's Own Self here: the chubby Americano striding in, ordering up pizzas and salads and bottled water and cervesas.

This lunch is an unimaginable feast to the average Cuban, and even Cuban chefs don't eat this well unless they are students of the five finger discount school. The average Cuban is not even welcome in this restaurant, unless he's dressed up and packing American greenbacks, the aforementioned dukes.

Six year Elian would be welcome here, however, as he is now a huge Cuban celebrity with his photo postered all over Havana and on T-shirts.

So, a fine pie is found, throw in a commanding view of Havana and the sea and the Malecon below. The full lunch cost about ten bucks a person. Not cheap, but certainly half or a third of what we'd pay stateside.

Send the kid home. But wait! One more pizza

Numero 3, por favor

To yet another swank restaurant, this one filled with Euro-tourists and replete with the requisite strolling musicians. Outside the huge open windows is the old fort and Malecon under blue skies and a soft breeze.

Were in D'Giovanni, which is in the church district of Old Havana overlooking the seaside.

We go with their Marguerita, a ten-incher that is easily the best pie we've had in Cuba. The table settings are grand, with extra spoons and forks, spare wine and water glasses - the Big Ticket set up. The floors are marble.

A trio is doing Guantanamero and Sublime Illusion and they'll shortly pass the hat. The waitresses are supremely Anglo-looking (black Cubans don't seem to nail down the high-tipping gigs in Cuba, despite Revolutionary rhetoric such as Todos Hermanos, we are all brothers.)

And the pie is nearly great. Pricey: a seafood pie goes for 17 American Dukes, while a hideous ham and pineapple (a bad bet) at $11.00. The Margherita comes in at $7.00 and is worth that level of dukedom. Pricey, but nearly great.

One: its got the thinnest crust we've yet encountered in Cuba, with some good crunch going for it, and Two: the surface is home to some very red and fresh tomatoes. It is difficult not to just consume the thing and order a couple more. Muy bueno!!

Instead we fire up a Montecristo Number Two cigar and remark Its a very good day to be a fully-duked player in Cuba.

Note: there is a pizza place out in the Marina Hemingway section of town called Pizza Nova and there are street pizzas all over Havana. But the review on those must wait until the next run to the small isolated island off our coastline.

Verdict: send the little boy back to Cuba. There is good pizza there--the boy shall not want. Ideally, the little lad picked up enough English in Florida so that he can join the action: tourism in Cuba is booming now. And if a Cuban person speaks English, their future surely must be brighter than the now.

end