Clowns freak me out. They're disturbing, and although sometimes partially funny, most often they serve no other purpose but to pacify adults who are too busy worrying about 'grown-up' things to spend time with their kids.
"The Tears of a Clown"
It's the same as Barney, Lamb Chop (rest her soul), or those Demonic Sultans of Satanic Saturday Morning Rituals -- the Teletubbies. Put those beasts on the TV, and your kids are instantly brainwashed. They aren't breaking things, they aren't spending quality time with you, they aren't reading and furthering their own knowledge...they're being wiped of originality and self-worth, but DARNIT you finally have some time to yourself -- way to look out for your child's best interests.
But I heard a story about a clown, that I simply must pass on.
The story is about Binkles.
Binkles was out of a job, and therefore the State said that it was the job of the company I worked for to put Binkles back to work through some vocational rehabilitation, job counseling/coaching, skill development, yadda yadda. We'd worked with some strange people that wanted to be in some strange careers, but Binkles was the greatest.
Binkles had no teeth.
Binkles the Toothless Clown.
Okay, a toothless clown, no big deal, fortunately, we have modern dentistry that can take care of such things with a few Chicklets stuck to a piece of Bubble Yum -- fix ya RIGHT up. (Yes, it would make you look like a beaver with a honking nose, but still...better than being called "Ol' Gummy" as opposed to "Binkles").
There was another 'slight' problem.
Binkles was mentally retarded.
Now, I'll be the first to admit, that I'm the insensitive prick who is very quick to judge people on appearance. We all are, just some of us have the balls to admit it. Often I've embarrassed people in the middle of a crowded shopping mall by flicking a limp hand against my chest, twisting my face in a retarded manner and running after them pigeon-toed and limping severely, stumbling through crowds of people screaming in my retarded accent, "MOMMY! MOMMY! NO! I DON'T WANNA WEAR THE MONKEY SUIT NO MORE!!!"
They, apparently, find it much less amusing than I do. But the stares are wonderful, and I really think it only goes to show how many people are unaccepting and taken aback by retarded people in society. Or something. Point is, I will make fun, because it is something we all live with, and it is a fact of life, but I won't kick out their crutches if they have a gimp leg, and I certainly won't ignore it and try to talk to them as I would a human being with NO mental deficiencies. To do so would simply be unfair. They have a handicap, and that needs to be handled delicately, not ignored to make them feel like everyone else, because they know, and we know, that they aren't.
Now that that's clear, Binkles' retardation can be handled with much counseling. Yes, it's unfortunate in a job interview when he starts drooling uncontrollably, but the funny part of this story is that we now have:
Binkles, the Toothless, Mentally Retarded Clown.
But it's not over yet.
Binkles, like many other men, enjoys porn. I'm not one for it, specifically, because I figure that if I'm going to sit at home and whack it, I might as well save a few bucks and skip the cheesy movie with no plot just to get it over with in a timely manner. Binkles thought otherwise. Binkles would call up my previous place of employment, waiting until he hit someone's *BEEP* of voicemail to start recording, then hold the phone to the porn movie which was playing on his television and let it record for two or three minutes. We knew it was him because a co-worker approached Binkles, and said, "Now, Robert, (that was Binkles REAL name) I think it's you calling everyone's voicemail at 3 in the morning and leaving 2 minutes of porn for us to hear when we first get in..." Binkles turned and walked away dramatically, like a sad and dejected clown.
Now we have:<BR> Binkles, the Toothless, Mentally Retarded, Porn-Loving Clown.
Not over yet...
Binkles just got through a major break-up likely with a retarded girlfriend he met in some mental center around the city. Well, after this, Robert, aka Binkles, decided to become RHONDA. That's right. He figured that if he didn't have the luck as a man, perhaps a Toothless Lesbian FEMALE clown would be the chic magnet he was searching for.
Folks, this clown has some SERIOUS issues.
Binkles, the Toothless, Mentally Retarded, Porn-Loving, Transvestite, Lesbian Clown.
Wow...sounds like it's own sideshow.
We did everything we could to get Binkles gainfully employed. We got him a job as a dishwasher -- he was fired the same day.
We got him employed as a janitor in a nearly empty office building -- fired...apparently doing SOMETHING with himself in the janitor's closet.
We brought a professional clown in from Ringling Brothers to coach Binkles on how to be a good clown.
Never saw Binkles so happy...
But Ringling Brother's stopped being a freakshow 'bout a hundred years ago, so that didn't go over either.
Now, Binkles hangs out every Saturday or Sunday at the local market downtown, making blow-up animals for little kids and acting generally silly. What's amazing though, is that a clown with THAT many issues (allow me to re-iterate what was stated above...Binkles the Toothless, Mentally Retarded, Porn-Lovin', Transvestite, Lesbian Clown) has the sense to be extremely gentle, and totally content with what he wants to do. Make people laugh.
DON'T think he's going to have THAT much of a problem accomplishing his goal.
But the kids love him. They get funky little balloon-hats and dogs (which honestly moreso resemble what you might have after placing 10 sea cucumbers into a microwave for three days on 'High') to run around with downtown, while parents stare at the clown grotesquely, wondering, "What the hell ARE you?" Binkles is usually wearing big red clown shoes, and a big nose, he has half of his rotted teeth left, dirty hands, and looks generally disheveled, but with all of his handicaps and all of his issues, it's real easy to laugh at him.
At this point, I have no other choice but to commend Binkles the Moron. As long as he is walking the streets, I'll be doing what he wants...laughing.