The Morons Chronicles Presents:
A Television Induced Daydream

I think I'm going to change my name to Darwino Shumway. I've been daydreaming lately, actually reminiscing would be more accurate. I'm 24, and basically grew up watching TV, as most my age have, I gather. I miss the glory days -- the glory days of daytime sitcom television and fantastic cartoons. As a matter of fact, I think I need to wash away a little bit of the banality in my life. I need an adventure.

I work in tech support. Not a cush job, but not difficult by any means. We're all in this room -- about 20 of us -- basically answering calls and troubleshooting everything from basic program installation to Windoze Terminal Server configurations over company-wide WANs. So I'm getting sick of the every-day here and I figure a little late '80s/early '90s TV Show excitement may get my blood pumping the way it used to when I would rush home from school to catch my favorite shows.

Quickly, I darted my hand into my file drawer, shuffling past all of the technical issues I've yet to tackle, and I grabbed my ruler, then I jumped up on my desk, looking down at all the sad little techies below me as I part my feet (approximately shoulder-length, mind you), clasp the ruler with both hands and thrust it above my head ... then, as all of my co-workers watch me with a mix of horror, and envy -- my muscles rippling under the fluorescent lighting, I shout at the top of my lungs, "Thunder ... THUNder ... THUNDER ... THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOO!"

My phone rang and I answered the call in a mock cartoon voice, "Tech support, this is Darwino, of Thundera, can I please have your customer number and name?"

A raspy voice replied from the opposite end of the phone, "YESSSSS ... I have a messssage on my sssscreen ... it saysss, 'Please insert the disc you are trying to launch' ... what do I do, little Darwino?"

Immediately suspicious, I put the caller on hold and raise the ruler to my face, still poised atop my cubicle in the tech support kingdom of Thundera, I shout, "Sword of Tech Support, Give me SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!"

I heard a few trumpets blare ... or something ...

Then I saw this caller on hold in some far off black pyramid ... but it wasn't a caller ... it was ...


I lept off of my cube and darted down the aisles of technicians who were all cheering me! My regional manager was in my way, however. He offered his hand and said, "Darwino! It's a pleasure to meet you!"

I quickly clutched his hand with my own, then as a joke I threw my head back, raised my opposite arm into the air and extemporaneously yelped, "WONDER TWIN POWERS! ACTIVATE!"

I don't think he got the reference. That's okay though, I've got serious work to do. Mum-Ra is sitting at home calling tech support people and giving them a hard time for no reason at all ...

... that merciless BASTARD!

On my way to Panthro's car, I flipped open my cellular and made a quick call ...

"Hello!" Boomed this voice on the other end of the connection, "HALL of JUSTICE!"

"Damnit, get me AQUAMAN and FAST," I demanded, then hung up. Batman was pretty good about knowing where I needed backup.

I slapped Cheetara's ass as I flipped over the hood of Panthro's wheels and hopped in as he tore off for Mum-Ra's place. We were speeding through a bunch of residential neighborhoods, and I spotted a house I recognized. Good ol' pal of mine, Gordon Shumway -- his buddies called him ALF, of course.

I remember back in my planet-hopping days, I spent some time with Gordon on Melmac. Nice little planet -- a little warm, though. We played BouillaBaseball, one of Gordon's favorite games. Kinda like baseball, but you needed to have fish parts to play. Weird town ... nice people, albeit possessing a strange preoccupation with cats.

Now Gordon's living there with the Tanner's. Never liked Willie, he's a little creepy. Ah well, there's work to do, I better stop thinking about these old times ...

Mum-Ra's black pyramid apartment was in downtown Chicago. Right next to an old buddy of mine, Larry Appleton. Larry works at a local paper downtown -- I spent a few days helping him out when his cousin moved in. Guy named Balki. Kinda weird ... from some island called Mepos. I don't know. I always thought of myself as a stranger to the both of them. Perfect, huh?

So Panthro pulled up to the giant black pyramid in downtown Chicago, and I heard this weird voice inside, it was something about Y2K compatibility. I knew it was Mum-Ra ... torturing my fellow technicians.

Panthro and I went inside and roughed the old man up a bit. Sword of Plundarr my ass, he's a wimp. Before we knew it we were on our merry way back to work, and I was back in my cube, and ready to take my next call ...

"Greetings, this is Darwino Shumway of Thundera on Third Earth, may I please have your customer number and name?"

"Hello Darwino," the caller's voice sneered, "My name's Megatron ..."

Quickly, I put him on hold and picked up the alternate line, dialing an old war buddy of mine. "Optimus! We've got trouble! You get Voltron, I'll give Tranzor Z and Aphrodite A a call and we'll go rid this godforesaken city of Megatron and his cronies!"