The Morons Chronicles Presents:
Call me Binks. Jar Jar Binks.


Meesa Darwin Binks.

Oh you movie buffs need not deny it, you know exactly who that previous reference is to. Satan incarnate of all moviedom, the hideous and lame character known as Jar-Jar Binks of The Phantom Menace.

This movie, The Phantom Menace, honestly isn't the worst of all Star Wars movies. I still think the comical teddy-bear romp of Return of the Jedi is by far the most heinous of crimes upon die-hard fans, however Phantom Menace wasn't far behind.

My question to you, gentle reader, is this. Don't you miss the good ol' days? The days of classic movies with "real" characters like Chewbacca? (The greatest character of all time).

I was recently watching one of the most fantastic movies ever made -- a Jim Henson film by the name of The Dark Crystal. This is how fantasy/sci-fi movies should be judged. That film was a work of art. The costumes and characters, the design and story. The whole thing is amazing and a complete treat to watch.

Let me put this bluntly.

I would rather be manacled to a wall naked and spoonfed luke-warm strawberry-mint flavored oyster pudding by a tu-tu wearing deranged and abnormally horny prison inmate affectionately named by his peers as, "Backside Tyrone" than sit through The Phantom Menace again.

I witnessed this farce months ago, and honestly it just clicked now as to how upset I am about it. The original movies had something almost mythical about them. The struggle of the young jedi who is forced to save the Rebellion whether he wants to or not -- the old mysterious master, Obiwan. Naturally, we can't forget the cool and comical duo of Chewie and Han, and of course the droids, who were significantly more lifelike than Quigonn and the young Obi. Well, that and there was that darn spiffy romantic, albeit incestuous tension between Luke and the Princess.

Now all we have is expensive garbage being projected on screen.

"Oh no!" Exclaims Obiwan, "There are hordes of hideously evil and dangerous Imperial Droids and they're going to attack us!"

"Be calm, young one," pipes up the old fart, Quigonn, "With the force as our guide, this will undoubtedly end up in an extremely lavish special effects show with an overly predictable ending constructed only to feed the American populace with on-screen trash so they'll go buy our keen moving action figures!"

*insert all sorts of blinky flashing laser-lights and super-cool laser sounds*

*Cut to scene of flaming/smoking car parts removed from a 1986 Ford Fiesta which resembles aforementioned hideously evil and dangerous Imperial Droid*

"We've done it!" Exclaims Obiwan, "And I still have this awesome looking, yet seriously trendy braid hanging down one side of my face!"

"You've done well," Quigonn adds, "Once again, as always, the fate of the Universe is in our hands."

"OHMIGOD," shouts the annoying actor with the semi-pronounceable first name, "More hideously evil and dangerous Imperial Droids and they're going to attack us!"

"Stay calm," Quigonn yawns, "Once again, the entire fate of the Universe hinges on our very survival against these hideously evil creatures generated using billions of dollars, yet still amazingly fake looking!"

*insert all sorts of blinky flashing laser-lights and super-cool laser sounds*

*Cut to scene of flaming/smoking car parts removed from a 1986 Ford Fiesta which resembles aforementioned hideously evil and dangerous Imperial Droid*

You see my point here? This is terrible! I miss Chewie. He was so fun and fuzzy! The advantage of having actual people in suits is that the actors could actually touch them, which is beyond the capability of computer generation. Sure, there was the initial Jar-Jar scene where they bumped into him and yeah, it was funny, but it doesn't outweigh the cheap rastafarian accent and the pure lameness of the fact that Jar-Jar had no character history whatsoever. He dropped out of damn NOWHERE and was inserted into the movie to make kids urge their parents to go.

The movie cheapens Star Wars in general. Hell, "Star Wars" is a lame-ass title anyway. The reason the movie is so cool is because of characters and subplots. It's not ALL about saving the universe, and it's not ALL about computer generation. Enhanced computer laser-beams flying out of spaceships is cool, but honestly, there was simply enough too many special effect 'characters', and not enough realism.

Not that realism can be attained on some far-away planet of Tattooine by some little kid going 800 miles an hour in some freaky-ass pod, but still.

I want my Chewie back...