I was driving to work and I heard this song. It's by a group named Filter and it's called, "Hey man, nice shot". Kick-ass song, really I've heard it many times and like it quite a bit as it's pretty raw sounding and is just basically nifty.
The song is about a man named R. Budd Dwyer. Former Republican State Treasurer for the State of Pennsylvania. He was indicted on charges of bribery, fraud, racketeering and conspiracy. The subject of this writing took place a day before sentencing and him being removed from office.
Something this morning told me to look on the net, and find his video. Which I did after about an hour of straight searching. Basically I saw warnings everywhere, and many people who decided that showing the video was in such bad taste that they refused or re-considered an initial decision to air it on the net. I've been so curious. I remember speaking with a good friend of mine a few years back who recalled seeing the video on an actual vhs tape cut from the original broadcast.
The original broadcast was actually made by one television station out of Pittsburgh. No other stations aired it considering it's nature. My personal feelings on this later.
Took me a couple of minutes to download (as I'm on a T1 here at work, and was connected to a slow site even), and the entire time I was reading about it. Reading the transcript from that deadly day. R. Budd Dwyer had some interesting words for the public.
"I thank the Good Lord for giving me 47 years of exciting challenges, stimulating experiences, many happy occasions, and, most of all, the finest wife and children any man could ever desire. Now my life has changed, for no apparent reason. People who call and write are exasperated and feel helpless. They know I'm innocent and want to help. But in this nation, the world's greatest democracy, there is nothing they can do to prevent me from being punished for a crime they know I did not commit. Some who have called have said that I am a modern-day Job. "
To me, this doesn't sound like a press conference. This, of course, isn't in the video itself, this is from the transcript. I read on...
"Judge Muir is also noted for his medieval sentences - I face a maximum sentence of 55 years in prison and a $300,000 fine for being innocent. Judge Muir has already told the press that he, quote, "felt invigorated" when we were found guilty, and that he plans to imprison me as a deterrent to other public officials. But it wouldn't be a deterrent because every public official who knows me knows that I am innocent - it wouldn't be a legitimate punishment because I've done nothing wrong. Since I'm a victim of political persecution, my prison would simply be an American Gulag."
Ouch. "American Gulag". Them's fightin' words. More and more as I read this is sounding confusing, much like some form of suicide note. Which essentially, it was, simply read aloud before the act.
"We were confident that right and truth would prevail, and I would be acquitted and we would devote the rest of our lives working to create a justice system here in the United States. The guilty verdict has strengthened that resolve. But as we've discussed our plans to expose the warts of our legal system, people have said "why bother", "no one cares", "you'll look foolish", "60 Minutes, 20/20, the American Civil Liberties Union, Jack Anderson and others have been publicizing cases like yours for years, and it doesn't bother anyone"."
*ding* I'm finished downloading the file. Feeling a little queasy as I don't know why I needed to see this so badly today. I just did. I opened up Quicktime and hit play -- without sound enabled. Not only am I at work, but the audio, I thought, may be a bit much.
Mind you, I'm one of those people who saw "Faces of Death" when he was in grade school. That didn't bother me. Basically, it didn't seem real. I knew this video was real, that's why I was reserved. I pressed on, though, and unpaused it after a small break and a deep breath.
My copy is black and white.
Eeek. I just watched it again. The video starts with him reaching into a paper bag. Although a washed-out grey on my screen, I know it's a standard lunch-bag that any child would be proud to carry his tuna sandwich in.
Just before the video starts, R. Budd Dwyer apparently hands out a series of envelopes to various people. He calls to the podium a guy named Bob, one named Greg and one named Don. In handing out one of the sealed envelopes he states, "...and there's a note in here for Joanne," his wife.
My stomach buckled knowing that this is a man in public office who has a wife, kids and grandkids even. I knew all along exactly what was going to happen. But still -- I had to see it.
He reaches into the bag and pulls out a huge handgun. .357 Magnum Revolver actually. Just a nasty looking weapon. I replayed it listening to the audio. It seemed like it took a moment for all of this to sink in. He pulled out this gun and held it up by his shoulder then extended his hand as if to motion 'calm down'. After a second of silence, people started screaming.
"Budd! Budd, no! Budd, don't do it!" was the plea that I clearly heard. There was a woman who shrieked just the word, "No" a few times. I've never heard it said like this before. I'm taking interest in the fact that this is real. Just a simple two-letter word spoken by this woman sounded unlike anything I've ever heard. It was horrifying. I don't ever want to hear it in the same room as I, that's for sure.
He tried to calm them down, and warn them to leave the room. Everything was happening so fast, people were just pleading as if they were targeted. Perhaps there was some confusion and they thought he was going to start shooting them. I think deep down, considering the words Mr. Dwyer spoke, "...leave the room if this will offend you..."
The planning that went into this was simply fantastic, really. He knew all along that he was going to do it. He wasn't going to break, and you can clearly see the second he pulls the gun out of the bag, that he knew he couldn't turn back. R. Budd Dwyer would be dead within 30 seconds. He was totally mad, and you could tell by his shaking and his scratchy voice that he really didn't understand what he was doing to himself. To me, it looked like he just wasn't controlling himself.
I had that bottoming-out feeling in my bones when watching it. I paused the video just before he was pulling the trigger. His eyes were half-shut. The fear was so visibly running through him, and I felt it as well. I felt cold and just as if something completely altering had happened. I guess I didn't realize it as well, but the first time I saw this movie is going to be one of those moments I'm clearly going to remember until my last day. It's not a cartoon, and the gun isn't filled with blanks. It's a real bullet in a real brain in a man with a real wife and kids.
He pulled the trigger more abruptly than I thought he would, honestly. Basically, just stuck it in his mouth, held onto the barrel with one hand, on the handle and trigger with another then *bang*. After that, a woman shrieked.
They always make guns sound fantastic in movies. This big bass-filled BOOM echoes throughout the theatre as Will Smith blasts another bad guy. This gun sounded different. More like one of those cap-guns I had when I was young. The kind I would jokingly hold to my head and click the trigger on to hear that little 'snap'. Then I'd giggle and run around the house more -- invulnerable. Those days seem a lot darker after seeing this video. Seeing what could really happen.
Quickly, Mr. Dwyer slumped down against the wall as blood literally *gushed* out of his nose almost like it was from a garden hose. Real blood doesn't ooze, like in aforementioned Will Smith movie. Real blood pours and gushes -- quickly. There was still a spark of life in him this very moment. You could see it in his open eyes.
Within seconds, blood starts pouring down the back of his head, over his forehead and down the side of his calm, relaxed face. It was here that I found the video most disturbing. Watching this, I find my perception convinces me that at this very point, whatever it is that makes any human tick, is simply released from Mr. Dwyer. The very essence that allows him to live breathe and speak escapes from this gory mess, and then he goes from being a person, to simply, a mess.
"Weird," I thought, watching this little scene over and over. The blood rushing down, his eyes closing a little more and his head slumping slightly more to his left. "Right there," I thought, pausing it. That's where he actually dies.
Life changing? I don't know about that. I don't think I'll have nightmares, although I can imagine some people being affected in that way. Honestly I feel kind of dirty now after having seen it. As if some vestige of purity was extinguished from my being much like the life was extinguished from the man once known as R. Budd Dwyer.
Point blank, (no pun intended) this video should be seen by more people. I applaud wholeheartedly the television station that played this grotesque tape back in '87. It's this kind of realism that really hits you when all that's on television now is 'Caught in the Act', 'Worlds most Horrifying Car Crashes', and 'Terrible Things Caught on Tape II' or some such garbage.
They strip these shows down, and strip the tapes down so you see a lot, but all in all, you don't really see that much. You don't get a suicide note, and a man on the edge talking about his wife and kids just before he blows his brains sky-high. You don't get the horrifying screams all around. All you get today is a few seconds of the climax while a real story lurks silently behind, censored by the people who claim not to censor anything.
This video is disturbing. It's horrifying and it's something people need to see. Not for any other reason than for the simple fact that it is real, which is something I felt myself not paying much attention too, really. True and unaltered reality -- not Will Smith, and not allowed on primetime. It's hard, but you need to see this, and hopefully feel something while watching. All you need to do is search for Budd Dwyer. You'll find it eventually.
I'm shocked. I thought I was desensitized, really. Today, I learned that I'm only desensitized to what isn't real anyway.