Editor's Note: In this issue of Tippler Tips, Nick was sent out on a perilous assignment - to find the lowest end rotgut booze drinks that he could find and conduct a formal tasting. Sure, we could have asked him to write up notes on fancy french wines or hundred dollar bottles of scotch... but you can find that sort of information on a whole variety of sites all throughout the internet. Where else, other than ScowlZine, can you find formal tasting notes on the intracacies of dinks like Tequiza or MD 20/20?
Tequila Rose (34 proof) Oh yum! It's the berry sweet flavor of fresh strawberry and cream combined with tequila. Actually, this concoction has become very popular in all areas of Connecticut because, believe it or not, it tastes good. No really, it does. I am not recommending you serve it before a dinner party, but opening up a bottle one night AT HOME with a loved one (that won't tell anyone) could be fun. It is pink like Pepto-Bismol and is fairly creamy on the palate with only a hint of tequila. It taste like strawberry, there's no denying it. Serve cold. Well, I guess that is probably obvious. I give it a 7 on the 'drinkability' scale and a 4 on the 'would I like someone else to see me drinking this' scale. Remember it is pink and most men cannot pull that color off. I could not find an on-premise (bar/restaurant) that serves it in Connecticut. Cost is around $20 for a 750ml bottle.
Brass Monkey (32 proof) Boy, that's just fun to say. Brass Monkey! Try to use that in a sentence next time you're out. This is not as easy to find in the stores anymore, but the monkey is making a comeback. Not to be confused with funky monkey or spanking the monkey (these are different, Brass Monkey is a mix of rum, vodka, natural flavors and certified colors (?) according to the label... and that's pretty much what it tastes like. Actually, I think the natural flavors are just orange juice. After every sip I want to start a fire in a trash can more and more. It's very hard to give an unadulterated opinion on the monkey because I think I drank to much Tequila Rose. I knew a fifth was too much. Brass Monkey gets a 5 on the 'drinkability' scale and an 8 on the 'oh please, let some beautiful female ask me what I am drinking tonight' scale. Once again, not on any wine lists in the area. Coat is around $10 a bottle.
Mogen David (23 proof I think) An old favorite: Mogen David, AKA or more fondly known as Mad Dog 20/20. I am sure some of you out there have had this wonderful wine before. It comes in a few flavors, but here we went for the straight regular grape. Well, what can I say, it tastes like rubbing alcohol with food coloring. Really, if it is going to taste like it is 100 proof, it could as least be 100 proof. It does have some kind of fruit character to it. Blackberry and pepper I guess. Best served on someone else's table very, very cold. I remember in college there was this bar that served pitchers of Mad Dog for 3 bucks. Not a fond memory. Anyway, Mad Dog is still fairly available in the package stores. I can only hope there is not a restaurant around that serves the Mad Dog. A definite 3 on the 'drinkability' scale with a 9 on the 'ohh...why did I drink that last night' scale. Cost is around $5 for a 375ml bottle.
Bartles & James Wine Coolers (around 7-10 proof/12oz bottle) We choose the Strawberry Daiquiri for today's festivities. With fresh fruit forward (hand picked) strawberry flavors this malt based beverage is as delicious as it is thirst quenching. I believe there is a hint of light orange peel and hazelnut on the long savory finish. An absolute stunning example of bottled candy delight meant to be drank young. I would advise purchasing this refreshing medley of drinking enjoyment in quantities of four. Yes, this is satiric in nature and honestly I think my own urine would taste like Champagne after Mad Dog. A 7 on the 'drinkability' scale with a 8 on the 'want to go back to my place and have a drink' scale.
Tequiza (5-7 proof) Budweiser's solution to Corona. Well it is crisp tasting and light with lime/lemon flavors and a hint of tequila, I guess. It kind of tastes like a combination of Zima and a Corona. On a hot day, it could work. I would not want to pound down a dozen of these, nor would I drink Pinesol though. It is not for everyone that is for sure. I t offers an alternative for beer for those women who enjoy margaritas (guys pay attention). It is available everywhere, thanks to Budweiser's market control (these people could sell shit to a toilet) even at many bars and restaurants. I give it a 6 on the 'drinkablity' scale and a 6 on the 'tastes the same coming up as it did goign down' scale.
I highly do not recommend drinking any of these consecutively as we did here today. They all do have some kind of 'dare to be different' or retro appeal, but believe me you will not be able to convince your throbbing head the next morning. If you are looking to impress someone, I would suggest avoiding anything on this list. Happy hunting and cheers!